Set boundaries or Changing them?

While in a relationship, it can be often confusing when a partner is asking the other to change something. Often it is taken defensively and creates bitterness, and other times, it can be perceived as a way to evolve and strengthen the relationship together. So, what’s the difference between trying to change someone vs. setting boundaries and building the relationship?

Let’s at first understand the human dynamic. People are self-critical, even if we tried to shift that part of ourselves, we couldn’t. There’s a part of the brain, which is referred to as the “ego” which creates criticism and fears to stop us from taking risks. So, we often see ourselves through a darker lens, whereas others see the light, beauty, kindness and uniqueness that we often can’t see within ourselves. If you had a considerable partner, they would be able to truly see you, even the aspects of you that you don’t have awareness of. They would find gentle ways to support your growth, pulling those great qualities out, bringing the best out in you and allow those parts of you to shine while protecting you from others, just as much as you would want them to do that for you.

However, being able to see someone’s “good” can come at a cost, if you’re reading it wrong. For example, many women stay too long in toxic and abusive relationships. Why? The main reason in staying, “because I know deep down he’s a good person. I saw parts of him that no one else did”. It is true, they can see it, however there’s a difference between seeing it and knowing it. You can see it without the security of ever fully knowing that side of them, because they’re not willing to make those shifts to show that part of themselves majorly. Often, those good parts are only shown as a form of manipulation to give their partner a reason to stay, as incentives or breadcrumbs of security. Some people don’t want to “change” and you have to accept that! They are showing you exactly who they are, and you can’t allow their short-term kindness to keep you as their full time. It is not your job to fix them, change them or to support them in ways that they don’t want to do for themselves. It is only your role to support and influence good behavior and traits if it already exists the majority of the time and they mutually want it for the right reasons. Lean onto those that want to evolve, grow and bloom with you - appreciate and praise that! Those are the ones that want better for themselves and better for you as well!

Relationships are mirrors. The relationships that do end resulting in hurt can steer people away from trying again. Relationships are often mis-expressed as “nothing but hurt”, when in reality they are nothing but “truths”. They hold the truth of how you feel about yourself and are only reflecting and projecting that back to you. Your partners are the triggers that will either test your past wounds and/or push you to grow in areas that you struggle with. For example, if there’s a pattern when dating that everyone "ghosts" you or leaves after a couple of weeks/months, this can be caused from projecting your insecurity that “everyone I love leaves me”. This could be rooted from childhood, maybe you had an absent parent or one that was neglectful. That would need to be faced, worked through and healed in order to project your worth and deserving of a long lasting and loving relationship.

So, where do we start with getting to know someone is right for you, you may ask?!

As you start getting serious and building a relationship with someone, these are the conversations needed to see if it is aligned.

These conversations of boundaries will either make or break the connection:

·        Deal breakers (Express your morals, values, intolerances)

·        Clear intentions (Long-term relationship, For marriage and children, just casual, etc.)

·        Clear boundaries (Not talking to exes, Family dynamic, Religion, continue dating, etc.)

·        Timelines for wanting children, wanting to get married and discuss the WHY behind the pre-planned timelines of those importances

·        How each view what is cheating and what is not cheating (Emotional, social, physical, etc.)

·        Taking the love language test together, (if everything else passes)

This is a great way to dive into the deeper questions to strengthen the relationship and to truly test its compatibility. Compatibility is not knowing what their favorite movie or food is. As you both learn each other and grow together, you must also continue the path of learning yourselves individually and growing who you desire to be as well. Your relationship should align with who you are, not broken into pieces and made to fit into something that is not supposed to work.

Getting to know someone’s favorite flavor of ice cream or color is not what will make or break a relationship. It’s morals, what you value, what you expect, what you won’t tolerate, what your love languages are and being reciprocal in trying to meet those needs in the relationship without losing yourself.

So, how can you truly tell if they’re trying to change you vs. supporting the relationship?

If your partner asks you to stop doing something, because it lessens the security in the relationship.

Ask yourself these questions and truly evaluate:

1.        Do you think you are able to stop doing it?

2.        Is it worth stopping to do it to help secure your relationship?

3.        Does this take away from your morals and values?

4.        Can you live without it?

5.        Will you become bitter about it later?

6.        Do you view your relationship is more valuable?

If you can live without it, stop doing it, know that you’ll be able to move past it, that your relationship is valuable enough to let it go and you won’t lose your self respect or self worth, then, of course, the route is - let it go! This is not your partner changing you, this is them setting a boundary and you meeting their need without losing yourself.

But what if you can't? If after evaluating your importance on this subject and it results that you can’t stop it, will be bitter about it, and will be taking away from your morals and values as it would change who you innately are, then it will not be worth losing yourself over. Someone demanding you to change for them is now disregarding your boundaries and is not building a stable relationship. You have certain needs that need to be met and if letting something go is your boundary, then you need to stick to that as well. Don’t change you or them. If it's you being asked to change something and them needing it, and you hit that brick wall, then acceptance and healing will need to take place. And know you’ll be okay regardless of the outcome!

After acceptance of the situation, you have two options:

1.        Go to couple’s therapy to have someone on the outside see if they can assist in delegating a compromise. A therapist may create a way to meet in the middle, meeting both parties’ needs, as they may be able to share a perspective missed, while also getting to the root of these needs.

2.        Or ending the relationship on respectful and mutual terms, because no one should force either party to change who they are and their own boundaries.

For example: If a woman wants to have children, but the man doesn’t want children at all. Should the woman stay with the man in hopes that he will eventually change his mind? Or should the man just bend how he feels about having children, and have children before he is mentally and emotionally ready to? The answer is no to both. These are core needs and can’t be changed unless they decide to on their own and not because someone demands of them to or keeps dragging a relationship on, hanging on a wish.

In conclusion, have the hard conversations, choose the person that doesn’t want to change you and you both are taking action towards growing and building a healthy relationship together. It needs to be reciprocal and mutually beneficial. You both should want to support each other to bring the best out in one another. You will always face challenges and stubbornness from both sides, but choose the person that is always willing to let go of the small stuff and work in a healthy way through the bigger issues. Sometimes that takes seeing the worst in another, but as long as you both decide to work through it and actively not give up on each other, you can make your relationship truly blossom into a genuinely beautiful loving connection and an inspiration to others.

If you need more guidance on your relationship situation,

please reach out as I help my clients with this all of the time!

Hope this helps!

Jenn Everson

Transformation Coach & NLP Practitioner

Owner, Forever Soon Fulfilled

www.foreversoonfulfilled.com

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