Parent Pride: Sharing truths

Jenn Everson
May 1
10 min read

Recently, I had a client that I was preparing for an NLP Reframing session. Basically, the setup of a reframing session is having the client envision confronting the person that caused the limiting beliefs that are keeping them currently stuck and then receiving the results that was needed. My client was supposed to confront her mother. No matter what I did, she just couldn't do it. I didn't want to push her too far, so we backed off, and now maybe going a different route. She explained that years ago, she tried to gently express her feelings about the past to her mother, and her mother didn't receive it well. It caused conflict and hostility that she wasn't expecting. So, because of this and her recent unexpected reconnection with her mother, she felt she couldn't confront her, even if it was a vision. She has developed a fear that her mother's love is conditional and could be withdrawn if she were to cause conflict with her mother.

I couldn't help but empathize with her, not only because of being her coach, but because I could resonate. My father and I have had conflicts for years over the same issues. I have wanted my father to take accountability for his part that he caused in the marriage between him and my mother, and the pain and issues he caused me and my brothers in our childhood. My brothers and I were severely impacted by the chaos we endured, yet my father has consistently redirected his blame and pointed fingers to everything and everyone except rarely onto himself.

For years, I also feared that my father's love was conditional. I feared speaking up, telling the truth (my truth) and expressing the impact. I convinced myself that it would only make matters worse. I didn't just create this illusion in my head, I witnessed it. Often, he would get into heated arguments with his mother, my uncles, or another relative, and then shut people out. He would choose to not speak to people for months or even years. I never wanted to be a part of that list. I already felt emotionally alone, so why would I subject myself to a situation that could cause permanent loneliness? Especially from the person that was supposed to always be there and support me. However, throughout the years, as I would seek therapy or continue to work on my healing, I would be presented with this overwhelming feeling of unfinished business. I would get so angry about how much other people's actions had an effect on me. They're the reasons why I have depression, anxiety or I'm so hyper vigilant. They are the reasons why I know where every possible exit is as soon as I walk into a room. They're the reason why I struggle with daily common function as an adult. Or at least that's how I was conditioned until I sought help with a therapist and life coaches, then I was able to uncondition those and redirect my life.

So often, I would gain the courage to present these memories and perspectives to my father. Every single time, he deflected, got angry, felt insulted, or ALWAYS had a reason to give. The last time we had this kind of discussion; I gained a perspective. Firstly, he changed it just enough to make it semi-okay, but it was still very painful. He admitted to his actions, which was a step in the right direction, but always backed it with some kind of reasoning. I will explain shortly how this can be damaging for the one that needs healing. Not only did he always have an excuse, he felt severely insulted that I couldn't understand his reasonings. The most difficult aspect of this situation wasn't that he couldn't admit his wrongdoings, or that he couldn't take accountability, it was that he couldn't comprehend how it affected others and what our truth was. He could only see through his own lens but wasn't able to see it through mine. The worst was putting in the work to paint this picture of reality for him, just for him to not see it, not appreciate it, to not understand it or hypercriticize it. I still felt alone, battling a one-sided war.

The upside of that conversation with my father was that I left nothing behind. I laid it all out on the table. I presented every single issue, including the deep dark family secrets that no one wanted to talk about. I shared as much as I could among the hostility, I knew that he had shut down a quarter of the way through my expressions, but I didn't present these issues for him, I did it for me. I remained stoic as I knew this had to be done. This was my last chance, I no longer wanted to return to this constant torture, so I knew that whatever I needed to say I had to say it that day! He needed to know that I knew the truth and that I wasn't going to coward behind it anymore. I didn't get the answers that I was seeking, but I did gain the greatest result of all - release.

I have a mantra that I created long ago that a therapist asked me to create,

"You chose misery, I choose happiness". Use it if you may.

Although this did put a wedge between us, guess what? We're talking again. Our relationship is good. It will never be spectacular, but it is at a place that I can accept. My love for him is stronger than needing to continue to be right. I love him for what he has done right, and I'm letting go of what he did wrong within myself and for myself.

On the flipside, my mother also made damaging mistakes as well in our childhood and is still in a process of learning and unconditioning. Luckily, she has always offered a space of allowing me to express my hurt; however I needed to, and she didn't always follow it up with excuses. Instead, she would offer reasonings if I wanted them. There is a difference! Excuses are defending yourself, reasons are offering a perspective while also taking responsibility, accountability and understanding that the capacity of the reasoning may or may not be of great quality. My mother would say, "I know it's not a good reason, but that was my thought process at the time. I know that I hurt you and I'm so very sorry". She is not perfect, but she holds a lot of guilt for the way things happened, and I respect her trying to make it right by offering my healing later in life. That is what every parent should do.

I also had to offer my own son this as well. My son and I ended up in a situation that caused him lots of anxiety and a conflict in our relationship. I made lots of mistakes, and I knew that I hurt him severely. He was expressing it outwardly in rages of anger. He had every right to those feelings. So, one day, I sat him down on the bed. We sat across from each other, eye to eye, and I asked him to share how he felt. I asked him to get it all out, even if he felt like cussing at me, I wanted him to release it. He was almost 12 at the time. I just knew that he needed it.

He had a hard time with the exercise at first, because I knew deep down, he didn't want to hurt me. So, I guided him. I shared what mistakes that I knew I made, but I wanted to hear from him what his truth was. It wasn't about what I experienced, it was about his. Why? Because two people could watch the same accident and share different experiences of how they witnessed it. This was his truth! So, most importantly, I helped him know that he was safe. I presented the gateway to this conversation by letting him know my intentions to his response. I made sure he knew that I wouldn't get mad, I would never leave him if he hurt my feelings, I would love him no matter what, I told him that he couldn't hurt my feelings, that I was open-minded, open-hearted & that he had my full undivided attention. Eventually, he expressed as much as he could. My first response wasn't, "Oh well, I did that because.....". That is negating his experience and only defending myself. I didn't need to defend myself. Why? Because he is my child. He loves me no matter what, and that he already knew I had good intentions. I responded by saying, "I'm so sorry that you experienced that. That was never my intention to hurt you. Please forgive me". I would only give reason after asking for permission. "Would you like to know why I chose to do things this way?", and if he answered yes, I would explain, and follow it up with, "It's not an excuse, I was just doing what I thought was best and at the capacity that I had at the time. Luckily, I have learned from that experience and those mistakes, and I will NEVER do that again".

It was extremely healing for him and myself. I knew I had fallen short, and I promise accepting it is 100% better than holding in denial of your actions.

So, I would like to bear my conclusions on this:

If you have a parent that you can't share your truth with:

Remember you are an individual; they chose their path & you choose to do better! ("They chose misery, you choose happiness!")
They are not just your parents - that is a title - kick them off the pedestal that you have them on and see them at eye level. They are just human, and living in the conditions they endured. They are projecting their pain, and loving at the capacity that they are conditioned
Do not stop your healing or improvement, because someone else won't choose to
Grieve the results that you may not seek. Go through the 5-step grieving process; conquer the denial, give yourself permission to be angry & sad, bargaining (sharing your feelings, journal, share your story, reach out to others), and most importantly - acceptance.

If you are the parent that wants to offer your child, this kind of space:

Don't give excuses, give reasons after receiving their permission - Remember it's about what they need, not you!
Do not defend, just apologize. Your apology and accountability is mostly what they are searching for
Do NOT get mad or defensive. What they say WILL absolutely hurt your feelings, but again, this is about their experience, not yours! Their lens - not yours!
If you're hurt by how your child experienced something, express it to a friend, therapist or your partner - not them
Give them their undivided attention, be open minded/hearted, and allow them that space to express freely. Do not correct them. This is not a time to parent, it is time for healing
Do this exercise face to face, you may even hold their hands. Look at them in the eyes, this will show them that you are attentive and that you care about they are saying
Prep the conversation by letting them know your intentions, how you will react and to let them know there will not be any consequences and that they are safe
Make sure to ask for forgiveness, but do not expect it! It is a process!
Give them a good hug afterwards, make time to do something special together, and ask for a "reset".
Be consistent in moving forward to avoid making the same mistakes. Example, if your child says that you yell too much and are quick to anger, this is something that you need to work on, not return to the same behaviors.
It may also be helpful to share with them that you are human and are also learning. This helped for my son immensely, he learned patience through my process of pulling myself out of PTSD.

If you want to present this conversation with a parent, but don't know where to start:

Practice boundaries and standing up for yourself - You are building mental toughness
Get clear on what issues are most important to you
If your parent is known to talk over you or is difficult to speak around, try writing them a letter
Give facts & your experience, do not show up full of emotions. People shut down when you're emotional or angry, but if you're calm and present facts, then they'll be more open to listen. Such as, "Well, because you and mom fought a lot, I felt alone a lot because the attention was on you and mom" compared to, "You never paid enough attention to me, and I felt like you didn't love me!". You need truth and not to be accusatory.
Present your intention, "I need to talk to you about my childhood. I know this was many years ago, but I found out recently how much it has affected (many aspects) of my life. I was hoping that you could help me with this healing process, if I were to share with you how much it impacted me. Anything that I say is not to hurt you, I know your intentions meant well, I just need to share my truth, so I can move forward. Would you be open to help me with this?"

How to move forward:

Live YOUR life! What do you want for your life - not what your family wants - but FOR YOU!
Journal everything out! I wrote a 25 page letter to my dad once that I would never give him. It was hateful, angry and purely ugly, but it helped with the healing process. It helped because I knew he would never see the letter but I still wrote it as it I was truly expressing all of my hurt to him with undivided attention.
Stop looking for external validation - Validate yourself!
Love from a distance - You can visit them and love them for how much they did try to show their love, but don't let it affect your entire being. You were born into the family; you don't have to choose that life path.
You can love someone and not respect the choices they made
Acceptance of what is and feel into your heart what is aligned moving forward
Always do what's best for YOU!
Focus on what you CAN control and let go of what you CAN'T control
You can't control others, you can only control yourself. That includes acceptance of your own reactions, accountability and responsibility of not living your life to the fullest
Let go of what was done, and focus on you can do NOW!
Stop giving your power away to powerless people, no one holds power over you, but you hold the power of your own life
If you think you don't have options, there are always options, you just may not like the options because they're uncomfortable. Uncomfortable makes you stronger and will bring you to a place of comfort