It's not you, It's WE

Relationships can often hit a wall where the progress slows down or comes to a halt.

The relationship can become obsolete, boring, repetitive, and not as progressive.

Sometimes intimacy slows down or becomes stagnant, sometimes communication becomes short fused or less effective, or maybe you’re missing the honeymoon phase, because life is demanding and pulling away from the relationship and toward other priorities.

So, many events can get in the way, such as having children, moving, furthering education, jobs/careers, health issues, finances, parents reaching a point of needing assistance, etc. There are many circumstances that can put a wedge in between a relationship without anyone’s control.

However, both of you are starving to return to each other, but maybe dealing with it different ways.

Let me paint a picture: The man is staying busy, and being kind of dismissive, while the woman is complaining a lot about him, and feeling defeated. Does this sound like you?

If it is, here are few tips:

Language of You vs. We: It is difficult for someone to listen to another, when they are criticizing or speaking at you, especially with attitude. This automatically sends a defense up, and the opportunity for them to be open minded and open hearted is out, shutting down effective communication.

Start using language such as, “I feel”, “I believe” or  “I wish we”, “I loved it when we”. Leaning on “I” and “we” will be the most effective in a partner discussion. If you use “you”, then lead it into a conversation of “us”, such as “I missed it when you did this, then we would effectively…”. This emphasizes the relationship as a whole rather than putting blame on one. Even if it is their side not making the proper moves, it will be better received when it is given to them as a visual of the bigger picture rather than presenting the smaller issues of their actions. “We” says there are two that can make this work, “you” adds the pressure that this one person has to carry all of the issues within this relationship, and that can become overwhelming.

Foundations: It is best to get clear on what you both see is the foundation of what makes a relationship successful and to evaluate that together. My boyfriend and I recently had this conversation, and for us it was…

·        Respect & Security

·        Loyalty & Dedication

·        Effective Communication

·        Intimacy

·        Continue dating each other

To us, respect & security meant to make sure we both helped in securing the relationship, such as emotional needs & boundaries. Even in relationships of a decade or more, often a partner can question how the other feels about them. It’s best to always secure their feelings and then have the conversations to work through it together. Sometimes it’s the distance of physical touch, intimacy, or lack of quality time that can place this insecurity. Sometimes the lack of affirmations lessens the value of how they feel their role is in their partner’s life.  Sometimes not feeling good enough arises due to aging and having so many distractions of someone being younger or “appearing” better (social media doesn’t help with this), and it can make someone feel less than, but assuring your partner will help them come back to themselves and to the foundation of the relationship. This builds trust that each other are here to stay, because its too easy for someone to just walk away and that is scary, especially if that has been a pattern in your life or your partner’s.

Loyalty & Dedication is setting clear boundaries and respecting them for each other. It must be mutual, so you both don’t break trust, because once trust is broken, it is a difficult road back to each other. Not impossible, but extremely difficult, because what the mind forgives, the heart never forgets. It will be a long journey with constant hard work of repetitive security and building esteem into the partner that’s trust was broken.

Effective Communication is best led by example. Remain calm, use appropriate language such as I discussed previously, no yelling, no name calling, be open minded/open hearted, allow both parties to express their thoughts, feelings and beliefs, give respect, receive only respect, and be compassionate. They are not your enemy, remember they are supposed to be your best friend as well as your respected partner, so treat them as such. Remember their heart and that they would never want to intentionally hurt you, but maybe they just see things differently and don’t have the same perspective or awareness as you. However, I must leave a disclosure to not accept disrespectful or manipulative behavior though. Understand the difference between someone that is listening to learn and to help the relationship grow versus someone who just agrees and just says things you want to hear without any action to back it. If they do change some behaviors and are taking some action, be patient and praise the parts that they worked on, as it may take a little bit of time to uncondition their habits and to recondition a different way.

Intimacy doesn’t always mean sexual. Just a simple hug and kiss when coming home to feel significant and a priority goes a long way. Coming up behind your partner to hug them as they are cooking, washing dishes or doing the laundry can show someone that you’re thinking about them without being prompted. A hand across the arm or chest as you walk by can show that they are desirable and not invisible. Sexual activity is often an issue that comes up in relationships as well, both parties need to have an effective, real and honest discussion of what the issues are, and try to find ways to bring it back to life. If health, medicine or low self esteem are inhibiting it, then acceptance and compassion needs to be given to build that security in the relationship. If sex is an issue, then mutually agree that sex is off the table and discuss ways to still be intimate and to keep the fire between you both – you both get to make the rules and make it fun regardless – next topic may help!

Continue dating each other is inevitable to keep things alive in the relationship. There are many resources to keep dating, such as buying couples question cards, couple mystery boxes, re-creating couple trends from social media, trying new places together, etc. One of my favorites are the couples question cards as it asks questions that you may not know about each other or gives ideas of different dates. Another tip, is that if your schedules are hectic, plan at least one big date night or weekend away per month or every two weeks, and a couple of mini date nights in or out, etc. You get to make the schedule, but with plans in place, you don’t have to question when you’ll receive that quality time that you are both starving for. Also, this can make things exciting as you plan little surprises to add onto the expense and sexual tension.

In conclusion, the goal should be to bring each other back onto the road of growth, building5 and back to each other. It’s always best to be open and honest as things happen, to set clear boundaries, make sure the relationship is reciprocal, and essential needs are being met. If you keep chopping away at a flower, eventually its just left with a root. It takes hard work to mend it back, but with enough sun and water together, it may bloom again.

Jenn Everson

Transformation Coach & NLP Practitioner

Owner, Forever Soon Fulfilled

www.foreversoonfulfilled.com

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